Category: Miscarriage
But why so many losses, God??
This morning, I woke up determined to get through my several outings, so I hit “shuffle” on my worship playlist, and got in the shower.
The first song came on, and although it’s a well-loved favorite of mine, the lyrics hit me so hard… I felt like I was flashing back over the last 5 years.
Hardship after hardship.
Loss after loss.
Pain after pain.
All the while, asking God why, but trying desperately to cling to his promises and love.
Failing.
Trying again.
Being crushed.
Given a glimpse of his goodness.
On and on.
And now… he’s given us all these “little” and “medium-big” miracles in the last year, preparing us to say “I’ve seen you move the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again! You made a way where there was no way! This is my confidence, you’ve never failed me yet!”
I lost it and cried through the entire song, and then… God spoke to me.
Back story: over the last 5 years of 12 losses, and 2 periods of a year each being unable to conceive at all, I have asked God several times what his purpose was in allowing me to conceive (even when trying to prevent while seeking medical answers) SO many times, only to lose them. Why not just prevent me from even conceiving at all? Even in times of great faith and trust, I was still insanely perplexed by this. It seemed cruel by anyone’s standards to give life repeatedly, only to allow it to be prematurely snuffed out.
I’ve never received a reply, so I assumed I would never know until heaven, and I’ve become okay with that. I mean, as much as a human can be ok with such a thing.
But today… I received the answer, out of nowhere, and with no asking. He told me the purpose behind so many losses and so much pain over so many years was to make SURE that this baby was unmistakably and undeniably a miracle.
You can explain away a lot of miraculous situations, if you try hard enough, even if you’re wrong.
But there is NO denying that after 12 losses, 5 years of testing and many treatment attempts… conceiving after a year full of an-ovulation and hormone problems, and then carrying to the furthest point in my history without ANY medical intervention… it’s a miracle. There is no other way to explain it, and I don’t even have to try and convince anyone of it. ❤️
This is God’s baby, and I’m so excited to see what God does with the future!
Walking around these walls
I thought by now they’d fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle’s won
For You have never failed me yet
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet
I know the night won’t last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You’re still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet
I’ve seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
If you’re in the midst of a long and seemingly hopeless wait, I hope you find some comfort. My wait and journey are longer and harder than some people’s, but only a fraction of the trials of others. We all have struggles and longings, but know that there is a reason, a light at the end of the tunnel, and a blessing to be had down the road.
Put this song on loud and just close your eyes and soak in it, let God come and reveal his goodness and love to you, even in the midst of chaos and pain.
❤️
First Ultrasound!
Last night, we anxiously entered the imaging place to go check on baby.
The ultrasound tech came in and introduced himself, and immediately my heart sank a bit that it would be a guy, as they’ve tended to be less sensitive in the past. He asked how many times I’ve been pregnant, and when I said 13, he stopped in his tracks and said “how many??”
I thought, here we go… I don’t feel like getting into this right now. ?
But he was actually super kind about it, and concerned and caring, so I know God put him on my case for a reason! He and the students were very sympathetic and kind.
So I laid down on the ultrasound table, and as it started to become real, and all the past ultrasounds I’ve had started flashing through my mind, I quickly had Ben come stand with me and I held onto his hand for dear life, praying for peace no matter what happened.
The ultrasound gel went on… the probe touched my belly. I closed my eyes and didn’t even try to look at the screen.
He said “oh look, there’s a heartbeat!” right away, and I lost it. ? Baby’s still alive, that’s good. My 4th baby had been alive with a heartbeat but was a week behind on growth and the heart rate was in the 60s, so I waited anxiously to hear more.
I dared to look at the screen, and I saw… a baby! Little limbs and everything! We’ve only ever been able to see a fetal pole… so I knew we were already ahead, but in the moment, all the “8 week ultrasound pictures” I had googled were failing me.
He said “oh yeah, your dates are right on (I had given my ovulation as later vs. last cycle start as calculation), you’re even measuring a couple days ahead.”
*massive sigh of relief*
Strong heartbeat of 166… thank you Jesus!
Ben was even able to see baby jump during the ultrasound! ?
The tech and students were so sweet, pointing out all of the things and parts, and we just sat there (me sobbing, and Ben choking back tears), as we watched our miracle baby on the screen. ?❤️
This is real. This baby is real. My miracle is real. God is actually doing this for us. ?
The tech had asked if we were on fertility treatments, and I was like nope, this was a surprise, and there have been absolutely zero interventions. This is a MIRACLE, y’all. I shouldn’t even be pregnant right now, much less at 8.5 weeks with no problems. ??
God is SO good.
The tech said with my history, he was going to skip the transvaginal part, for which I was grateful (personal reasons behind why I have a hard time with those ?), and I believe it was another God-thing.
As a funny side effect of that, however, I had a full bladder that didn’t get emptied for that second part of the US, so as I talked with my dear friend Erica on the way home (she stayed up til super late since she’s Eastern time, just to hear the news ❤️), she and her husband had me and Ben dying laughing… I swear I almost peed my pants. ??
We left with tears and pictures (I’m pretty sure the front desk girl thought I got bad news lol, I was still sobbing and wiping tears), which I’ll now flood you with. ❤️
Thank you all SO much for your prayers and support! We are so grateful! ❤️?❤️
Why are you not being cautious??
Guys, I know this sounds crazy. This is our 13th pregnancy. It’s kind of funny, because people keep offering me advice you would offer someone who has never been pregnant before, even something as simple as “are you taking prenatals?” Lol! Guys. I’ve been pregnant THIRTEEN times, and I’ve researched more than probably 99% of women all about pregnancy (at least the first trimester), morning sickness cures, fatigue combat-ers, superfoods full of nutrition, all of it.
Why is this one standing out to people? We are not living in fear.
This is also the source of a lot of judgment pointed at us. =(
Let me share with you what I read this morning, and although I’ve read this story countless times, usually each time begging God for my own miracle, I never noticed this one part.
It’s the story of Hannah asking God for a son. The Bible talks numerous times about these kinds of situations. In 1 Samuel 1:8 it literally says “…the Lord had kept her from conceiving.” WHAT? God literally holds fertility in his hands. Now don’t get me wrong, there are SO many things we can do to help our bodies do what they were created to do, but…at the end of the day, it’s up to him. He can keep a healthy person from conceiving, and he can give someone who “can never have children” ten kids.
But watch this…after Hannah prays in the temple and Eli thinks she’s drunk because she’s so distraught and praying silently, this little part of a verse hit me. (Hannah had previously not been eating and couldn’t be comforted, 1 Sam 1:7-8)
1 Sam. 1: 18 says that she replied to Eli, and “Then Hannah went on her way; she ate and no longer looked despondent.”
She had NO idea that God was actually going to answer her prayer, but she lived as though he would.
This is exactly the way we are living right now, and we are SO grateful for those who are alongside us in this! For those who still think it’s nuts, you are right. It doesn’t make any sense. But we have asked in faith for this miracle, and we will not live in fear. We will “eat (when baby lets me haha) and no longer look despondent.” Because God is faithful. God sees heartbreak. God controls my womb and every baby ever nestled inside of it.
We’re ready for you, miracle baby! <3