Trailer Trash Balderdash


Life has been pretty insane here! We just got back from Dallas for the Norwex National Conference!

It was loads of fun, but I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d survive it lol! God was merciful and tons of people were praying, and I had a reprieve for a few days, but really started to feel ill the last couple of days, so by the time we got home late last night, it was pretty bad.

We spent the day recovering and Ben was trying to get some food and water in me, but I was fighting intense nausea all day, and unfortunately, the vomiting won out. Also, cheese and clementines are absolutely disgusting to throw up together. ? lol

The amazing thing is that on Saturday night, we decided to give our Doppler a whirl, even though a previous attempt a few days prior had failed, and it was still super early (9w5d ?). To our incredible shock, we FOUND BABY’s HEARTBEAT! I could barely believe it! There it was, beating away at a million mph (ok, 150-160 bpm), so strong and steady! I couldn’t stop the tears.

We have seen a heartbeat with our 4th baby, but it was very slow and the baby was dying.

We saw the heartbeat at 8.5 weeks with this little one, but didn’t get to hear it.

This was the first time we’ve ever been able to hear the heartbeat of our offspring. ?❤️

Today, we tried again, and after I searched and had no luck, Ben tried and totally found our little champ! We can hardly even stop listening, it’s like the most beautiful music we’ve ever heard. ❤️

God is so good!

For you baby junkies ?, here are our best little video clips:

Ok, that’s all the updates we have for now! 🙂

Thank you SO much to everyone who has been/is praying for us! It means the WORLD to us!! ??❤️

But why so many losses, God??

This morning, I woke up determined to get through my several outings, so I hit “shuffle” on my worship playlist, and got in the shower.

The first song came on, and although it’s a well-loved favorite of mine, the lyrics hit me so hard… I felt like I was flashing back over the last 5 years.

Hardship after hardship.

Loss after loss.

Pain after pain.

All the while, asking God why, but trying desperately to cling to his promises and love.


Trying again.

Being crushed.

Given a glimpse of his goodness.

On and on.

And now… he’s given us all these “little” and “medium-big” miracles in the last year, preparing us to say “I’ve seen you move the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again! You made a way where there was no way! This is my confidence, you’ve never failed me yet!”

I lost it and cried through the entire song, and then… God spoke to me.

Back story: over the last 5 years of 12 losses, and 2 periods of a year each being unable to conceive at all, I have asked God several times what his purpose was in allowing me to conceive (even when trying to prevent while seeking medical answers) SO many times, only to lose them. Why not just prevent me from even conceiving at all? Even in times of great faith and trust, I was still insanely perplexed by this. It seemed cruel by anyone’s standards to give life repeatedly, only to allow it to be prematurely snuffed out.

I’ve never received a reply, so I assumed I would never know until heaven, and I’ve become okay with that. I mean, as much as a human can be ok with such a thing.

But today… I received the answer, out of nowhere, and with no asking. He told me the purpose behind so many losses and so much pain over so many years was to make SURE that this baby was unmistakably and undeniably a miracle.

You can explain away a lot of miraculous situations, if you try hard enough, even if you’re wrong.

But there is NO denying that after 12 losses, 5 years of testing and many treatment attempts… conceiving after a year full of an-ovulation and hormone problems, and then carrying to the furthest point in my history without ANY medical intervention… it’s a miracle. There is no other way to explain it, and I don’t even have to try and convince anyone of it. ❤️

This is God’s baby, and I’m so excited to see what God does with the future!

Do It Again-Elevation Worship

Walking around these walls

I thought by now they’d fall

But You have never failed me yet

Waiting for change to come

Knowing the battle’s won

For You have never failed me yet

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I’m still in Your hands

This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet

I know the night won’t last

Your Word will come to pass

My heart will sing Your praise again

Jesus, You’re still enough

Keep me within Your love

My heart will sing Your praise again

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I’m still in Your hands

This is my confidence, You never failed

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I’m still in Your hands

This is my confidence, You never failed me yet

I’ve seen You move, come move the mountains

And I believe, I’ll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I’ll see You do it again

If you’re in the midst of a long and seemingly hopeless wait, I hope you find some comfort. My wait and journey are longer and harder than some people’s, but only a fraction of the trials of others. We all have struggles and longings, but know that there is a reason, a light at the end of the tunnel, and a blessing to be had down the road.

Put this song on loud and just close your eyes and soak in it, let God come and reveal his goodness and love to you, even in the midst of chaos and pain.


First Ultrasound!

Last night, we anxiously entered the imaging place to go check on baby.

The ultrasound tech came in and introduced himself, and immediately my heart sank a bit that it would be a guy, as they’ve tended to be less sensitive in the past. He asked how many times I’ve been pregnant, and when I said 13, he stopped in his tracks and said “how many??”

I thought, here we go… I don’t feel like getting into this right now. ?

But he was actually super kind about it, and concerned and caring, so I know God put him on my case for a reason! He and the students were very sympathetic and kind.

So I laid down on the ultrasound table, and as it started to become real, and all the past ultrasounds I’ve had started flashing through my mind, I quickly had Ben come stand with me and I held onto his hand for dear life, praying for peace no matter what happened.

The ultrasound gel went on… the probe touched my belly. I closed my eyes and didn’t even try to look at the screen.

He said “oh look, there’s a heartbeat!” right away, and I lost it. ? Baby’s still alive, that’s good. My 4th baby had been alive with a heartbeat but was a week behind on growth and the heart rate was in the 60s, so I waited anxiously to hear more.

I dared to look at the screen, and I saw… a baby! Little limbs and everything! We’ve only ever been able to see a fetal pole… so I knew we were already ahead, but in the moment, all the “8 week ultrasound pictures” I had googled were failing me.

He said “oh yeah, your dates are right on (I had given my ovulation as later vs. last cycle start as calculation), you’re even measuring a couple days ahead.”

*massive sigh of relief*

Strong heartbeat of 166… thank you Jesus!

Ben was even able to see baby jump during the ultrasound! ?

The tech and students were so sweet, pointing out all of the things and parts, and we just sat there (me sobbing, and Ben choking back tears), as we watched our miracle baby on the screen. ?❤️

This is real. This baby is real. My miracle is real. God is actually doing this for us. ?

The tech had asked if we were on fertility treatments, and I was like nope, this was a surprise, and there have been absolutely zero interventions. This is a MIRACLE, y’all. I shouldn’t even be pregnant right now, much less at 8.5 weeks with no problems. ??

God is SO good.

The tech said with my history, he was going to skip the transvaginal part, for which I was grateful (personal reasons behind why I have a hard time with those ?), and I believe it was another God-thing.

As a funny side effect of that, however, I had a full bladder that didn’t get emptied for that second part of the US, so as I talked with my dear friend Erica on the way home (she stayed up til super late since she’s Eastern time, just to hear the news ❤️), she and her husband had me and Ben dying laughing… I swear I almost peed my pants. ??

We left with tears and pictures (I’m pretty sure the front desk girl thought I got bad news lol, I was still sobbing and wiping tears), which I’ll now flood you with. ❤️

Thank you all SO much for your prayers and support! We are so grateful! ❤️?❤️

Pregnancy Journal: week 7

7/2/18 (7 weeks): Today was a rough day, but my sweet Aunt brought us dinner, and boy, let me tell you, it hit the spot!! We have been surviving on whatever crap we can prepare quickly, and whatever I can keep down or manage to even eat without puking, so it was such a wonderful change to have a real meal with real food! It tasted divine, and I kept it down, which was a great thing!

7/4/18 (7w2d): Today is a huge holiday for my family. I mean, we LOVE America, and we LOVE fireworks, so it doesn’t get much better lol. It might even be my favorite holiday after Christmas! We never do any massive BBQ with extravagant decor and super crazy food creations or anything, and we never get cutesy matching family pics, but boy…do we get together, eat, and blow stuff up!

Well, I was feeling horrific, spent all afternoon puking my guts out, and could barely stand, so we decided to stay home. It was so sad! Agh! I was on the phone with my dad, and had to hand the phone to Ben because I just kept puking out of nowhere lol. YAY.

Ben took me to get In N Out for dinner, and I barely ate a few bites, which is RARE lol! Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE In N Out!!

A friend of mine went live with her family’s fireworks, so I was able to enjoy that, at least. =D

I HAD to wear my cute shirt from Eek’s Attic, so we donned our 4th wear for our trip to In N Out lol!

7/7/18 (7w5d): Today was my grandma’s surprise 75th birthday party, that I was supposed to help with, but I was vomiting until we left to go over there. I so didn’t want to miss it, and it didn’t disappoint! I was so grateful for a small break in the crappiness to be able to spend some time with family and celebrate my sweet grandma. I started to feel the dizziness coming back, though, so I was also glad to get home and lie down lol.

(I didn’t even get to put on makeup, and I’m in my swimsuit & coverup, but oh well, right? ??‍♀️?)

7/8/18 (7w6d): Ugh. I paid for Saturday today. I was trying to get ready for church, and could NOT shake the dizziness and nausea, so we decided to stay home. It ended up being a good thing, because I promptly fell back asleep and was out cold for about 5 straight hours. I guess my body was needing the sleep lol.

This week was insanely difficult…emotionally and physically, it was the hardest yet. I’m so grateful for wonderful friends and family who listen to me cry and vent, and are always there to lift me up when I’m down. <3