But why so many losses, God??
This morning, I woke up determined to get through my several outings, so I hit “shuffle” on my worship playlist, and got in the shower.
The first song came on, and although it’s a well-loved favorite of mine, the lyrics hit me so hard… I felt like I was flashing back over the last 5 years.
Hardship after hardship.
Loss after loss.
Pain after pain.
All the while, asking God why, but trying desperately to cling to his promises and love.
Failing.
Trying again.
Being crushed.
Given a glimpse of his goodness.
On and on.
And now… he’s given us all these “little” and “medium-big” miracles in the last year, preparing us to say “I’ve seen you move the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again! You made a way where there was no way! This is my confidence, you’ve never failed me yet!”
I lost it and cried through the entire song, and then… God spoke to me.
Back story: over the last 5 years of 12 losses, and 2 periods of a year each being unable to conceive at all, I have asked God several times what his purpose was in allowing me to conceive (even when trying to prevent while seeking medical answers) SO many times, only to lose them. Why not just prevent me from even conceiving at all? Even in times of great faith and trust, I was still insanely perplexed by this. It seemed cruel by anyone’s standards to give life repeatedly, only to allow it to be prematurely snuffed out.
I’ve never received a reply, so I assumed I would never know until heaven, and I’ve become okay with that. I mean, as much as a human can be ok with such a thing.
But today… I received the answer, out of nowhere, and with no asking. He told me the purpose behind so many losses and so much pain over so many years was to make SURE that this baby was unmistakably and undeniably a miracle.
You can explain away a lot of miraculous situations, if you try hard enough, even if you’re wrong.
But there is NO denying that after 12 losses, 5 years of testing and many treatment attempts… conceiving after a year full of an-ovulation and hormone problems, and then carrying to the furthest point in my history without ANY medical intervention… it’s a miracle. There is no other way to explain it, and I don’t even have to try and convince anyone of it. ❤️
This is God’s baby, and I’m so excited to see what God does with the future!
Walking around these walls
I thought by now they’d fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle’s won
For You have never failed me yet
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet
I know the night won’t last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You’re still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet
I’ve seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
If you’re in the midst of a long and seemingly hopeless wait, I hope you find some comfort. My wait and journey are longer and harder than some people’s, but only a fraction of the trials of others. We all have struggles and longings, but know that there is a reason, a light at the end of the tunnel, and a blessing to be had down the road.
Put this song on loud and just close your eyes and soak in it, let God come and reveal his goodness and love to you, even in the midst of chaos and pain.
❤️