Trailer Trash Balderdash

Why are you not being cautious??

Guys, I know this sounds crazy. This is our 13th pregnancy. It’s kind of funny, because people keep offering me advice you would offer someone who has never been pregnant before, even something as simple as “are you taking prenatals?” Lol! Guys. I’ve been pregnant THIRTEEN times, and I’ve researched more than probably 99% of women all about pregnancy (at least the first trimester), morning sickness cures, fatigue combat-ers, superfoods full of nutrition, all of it.

Why is this one standing out to people? We are not living in fear.

This is also the source of a lot of judgment pointed at us. =(

Let me share with you what I read this morning, and although I’ve read this story countless times, usually each time begging God for my own miracle, I never noticed this one part.

It’s the story of Hannah asking God for a son. The Bible talks numerous times about these kinds of situations. In 1 Samuel 1:8 it literally says “…the Lord had kept her from conceiving.” WHAT? God literally holds fertility in his hands. Now don’t get me wrong, there are SO many things we can do to help our bodies do what they were created to do, but…at the end of the day, it’s up to him. He can keep a healthy person from conceiving, and he can give someone who “can never have children” ten kids.

But watch this…after Hannah prays in the temple and Eli thinks she’s drunk because she’s so distraught and praying silently, this little part of a verse hit me. (Hannah had previously not been eating and couldn’t be comforted, 1 Sam 1:7-8)

1 Sam. 1: 18 says that she replied to Eli, and “Then Hannah went on her way; she ate and no longer looked despondent.”

She had NO idea that God was actually going to answer her prayer, but she lived as though he would.

This is exactly the way we are living right now, and we are SO grateful for those who are alongside us in this! For those who still think it’s nuts, you are right. It doesn’t make any sense. But we have asked in faith for this miracle, and we will not live in fear. We will “eat (when baby lets me haha) and no longer look despondent.” Because God is faithful. God sees heartbreak. God controls my womb and every baby ever nestled inside of it.

We’re ready for you, miracle baby! <3

Pregnancy Journal: Week 5

6/18/18 (5 weeks!): Today marks 5 weeks! This is longer than 10 of our pregnancies, and the tests have darkened as much as they possibly can, so now we just rest in God’s faithfulness. I’m feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I’m hopeful that it’s all a good sign. I’ve managed to at least keep my prenatals and thyroid meds down, so that’s good.

Food aversions: bacon, most of the time (if you know me, you know bacon is LIFE, so this is weird. And horrible ?), burritos, most sweet stuff, other than sweet pickles (usually I love dill best).

Foods I’m loving: salad!!!! I can’t get enough! Crackers, especially peanut butter or cheese bites, water with lots of lime, spinach artichoke dip with corn chips, carbonated water, cheese. Coffee depends on the day, which is weird and funny!

Also, I can’t stop SMELLING EVERYTHING! I already have a heightened sense of smell, which is even more heightened during pregnancy, but this one, dear Jesus help me. Everything smells SO MUCH and I can’t take it lol!

6/19/18 (5w1d): Today, I’m so exhausted. Everything has been hurting for over a week-my hips, my legs, my sciatic nerve, my muscles… ugh. Everything aches with a vengeance. Several times, I’ve been unable to even walk. ?

Again, I’m hoping that these are all good signs? High hormone levels? Lol who knows.

6/20/18 (5w2d): Today began with phone calls and messages and lots of prayer and overwhelming feelings of how on earth to choose a midwife, and being nervous that anyone would even take me.

After a crazy turn of events, we ended up with a last-minute tour of a local birth center recommended to me by several friends! I prayed that God would show me clearly if it was right for us or not, because I am getting to the point where I need to start being seen, but choosing from scratch with not much time is not fun with pregnancy hormones. ?

The “vibe” in the center was amazing, the staff so kind and friendly, the birthing rooms so lovely and homey, and their constant message of being positive and strong was so encouraging.

It ended with meeting the owner and one of the midwives, who has experienced more miscarriages than I have, by a long shot! ? That was a first for me. I could see in her eyes that she just “got it,” and I knew it was the right fit for us. Also, she was already recommending early prenatal monitoring and care for me, given my history, which is something I could cry about. I’ve spent almost 5 years begging doctors to care about my baby BEFORE the typical 8-10 week appointment, which my babies don’t make it to. ?

Before we walked out the door, one of the girls told me “The important thing is to just breathe. Each week, breathe. Celebrate each week that goes by, and stay positive.” I was holding back tears (although let’s be real, I cry about everything now ??).

I’m super excited about this new development!

Tonight, we told our Life Group about the baby, and we were met with excitement and prayer, thanking God and believing he is going to do this amazing miracle. After a week full of disbelief and judgment being thrown at us, it was nice to have an all-positive response! (The bulk of the responses we have received have been positive, loving, and wonderful! But the naysayers always seem to drag us down, and it’s disheartening)

As far as food goes today, the thought of every food made me feel like I was going to hurl, so I just didn’t eat. I was starving and even more nauseated by about 4:30, and finally ate some chicken, but as I finished, that started making me sick. Lol I can’t win for losing! It’s a good thing I’ve got so much reserve for this kid. ?

6/22/18 (5w4d): yesterday, I felt so horrible, I got out of bed only for the bathroom, and to get a carbonated water from the fridge, because it meant less time on my feet than putting ice and water in my cup. I didn’t hydrate or eat because I was so miserable, and that made me more miserable. ??‍♀️ I had a total breakdown last night, wondering how I’m going to get through this, I already have commitments and things scheduled, 2 businesses to work on, and laundry to keep up with. I’m used to having to slow down because of my health stuff, but never being down all the way like this. It’s kind of killer. ?

Today was rough again, and I almost canceled plans tonight, but I hate backing out of commitments, and I had already invited family to come, so I pushed through somehow, and I’m so grateful that God gave me a small break in the misery, because I so needed the fellowship of the women from church and the women from my family who came along!

Oh also, I braved Costco whole feeling awful, but my awesome cousin came with me, and it seriously just helped having her there! I’m legitimately blessed with the family I was given! ❤️

6/23/18 (5w5d): Today is a weird mix of feeling extremely exhausted, and having moments of intense nausea, with glimpses of normalcy. I’m thankful for the moments of normalcy in between ginger and naps.

Fortunately, my cousins suggested a local taco place for dinner, and it HIT THE SPOT! I think it’s the first meal I’ve had in over a week that didn’t want to come up afterwards! I savored every moment, and it was nice to sit back and feel like “wow that was delish!”

6/24/18 (5w6d): Today, I looked back on previous pregnancy records I had jotted down on my phone, in preparation for my first appt tomorrow, and I was reminded that in 11 of my pregnancies, I already had spotting or some other problem with low hcg/faint tests by this time. With my 4th pregnancy, I didn’t have known problems until our 7.5 week ultrasound, but at that time, baby had only grown to 6w2d, and the heart beat was 60-70, which is too slow for 7.5 weeks (gest. Age was confirmed by charting and by ultrasound at 5w6d). Although with my 4th pregnancy, the only one with properly rising hcg, it was still much lower and later than this one.

So this week is crucial! Please pray that baby grows strong and blasts through this milestone!

Today, I also came VERY close to running out of church to hurl, but then I felt like it was so bad that if I moved to get up and walk out, that would make me puke right there before I could get to the bathroom, so I stayed put and really tried to mentally psych myself out while chowing down on ginger gum and sucking ice water. Fortunately, it eventually calmed down!

I’ve never been so thankful to be so miserable, but it’s also just… quite miserable. ?

Pregnancy Journal: week 4

6/11/18 (4 weeks): Today marks 4 weeks! It already feels like an eternity, but it’s only been a few days since we found out.

Pregnancy tests are darkening, we are telling family, and the gender predictions are coming in already. ? Ben is convinced we’re having twins-a boy and a girl. ? Well that would make life interesting lol!

I’ve been having this crazy shortness of breath, and of course my nurse brain starts thinking things like “oh my gosh I have a PE!” but it turns out progesterone can cause that! ?

We prayed and feel like God wants us to announce this pregnancy early, and not plan out of fear of what may or may not happen, so plans are being made for a Father’s Day announcement. ❤

6/12/18 (4w1d): Today, I discovered how unpleasant it is to puke in an RV toilet. ??

6/14/18 (4w3d): The doubt started to hit, but my prayer team friends sent that spirit packing!!!! God’s got this!

6/16/18 (4w5d): Today, I woke up with pretty intense cramping, and started to worry. It turns out it was just gas. Really, really bad gas. ???‍♀️?

Today, we also took pics for announcing! They aren’t professional, by any stretch of the imagination, and the weather happened to be overcast and dark the one day it’s been that way since we even moved back to AZ, but we took them anyway! Remote and all! ?

6/17/18 (4w6d): Father’s Day!!

Yay! Today, we told the world! Despite our clear instructions not to send us judgment or advice, we received several messages with ridiculous judgy content, and (not friendly) interrogations. ??‍♀️ I suppose there will always be those. (Also, if you sent a message with advice and then apologized and clarified that you weren’t meaning to tell us what to do, it’s not you I’m talking about. Lol the only ones who apologized for their advice were the ones who didn’t need to!)

It feels good to have an announcement and to celebrate. We’ve been robbed of that with all our other babies. ? In fact, 4 years ago, we were pregnant the longest we’d made it, we were on all the right supplements and meds for the problems we’d found, and were hopeful. It was the first grandchild on my side, so I bought shirts for Ben and my dad, and we planned a big Father’s Day celebration, only to find out two days before that our baby was dead. It was horrible, one of the worst times in my whole life. Since that time, we didn’t dare get our hopes up for any of our babies! But this time is different. This time, we’ve had a year to grow in God, learn about his nature and desires for us, and work on healing soul wounds. We’ve witnessed miracles in our lives and those around us, growing our faith that God does indeed do miracles in this day and age.

It’s time.

It’s time for our miracle. ❤

Pregnancy journal: Week 3

6/8/18 (3w4d): Today is 11 dpo (days post-ovulation), and if you’ve dealt with any fertility related stuff, you probably know about the luteal phase. Mine is 10 days max, which isn’t good for keeping a newly-conceived baby in place. Anyway, my cycles vary in length, but my luteal phase is the same, and over the last year, I usually test on day 9 or 10 just to see if I’m pregnant, and I’ve received the same stark negative each time…and then, good ol’ Aunt Flo hits.

Today, since it was “late,” I quickly tested when I crawled out of bed at the butt crack of dawn, threw it on the bathroom counter, and went back to bed.

A little later, as Ben was heading to work, I quickly picked it up to check so I could toss it, and there it was…a very, very positive test. ?

Usually my positives are so faint at first (because I test early), that I’m always holding it in different lighting, and asking Ben “can you see a line??” So I handed it to him and asked “can you see a line?” ?

I tested again with a more expensive test, just to confirm, and it was undeniably positive.

We definitely spent awhile in shock! My recent more-than-usual exhaustion and extreme emotional…ness suddenly made sense. ?

I also found out that unfortunately we conceived during the “30 day waiting period” for our new insurance, so we are responsible for 100% of the costs, so I had a nice long emotional pregnancy hormone cry over that.

At the end of the day, we both believe this is the miracle rainbow baby we have prayed and longed for for so long. ❤️

An announcement!

We are SO excited to announce…
Baby #13! 🎉

We are sharing this news early, because we have prayed long and hard for this child, and believe that God has finally answered our prayer for a rainbow baby! 🌈 
We covet your prayers 🙏🏼, but we do not desire any negativity, medical advice/suggestions, or judgment (we’ve received plenty over the last 5 years of losing 12 babies). 👼🏻
This has been an insanely long journey for us, and God has brought us to the point where our only option is to TRUST HIM. ❤️
There is NO medical reason for me to:
1. Be pregnant right now (due to health issues)
2. Have a strong early positive test
3. Have no problems for a week already
And yet, here we are. 😲
God is amazing, and miracles aren’t only in bible times, y’all! 🙌🏼
We are choosing to CELEBRATE this life, and we are planning for the arrival of little feet in 8 months…we refuse to live in fear of the unknown, because NOTHING is too hard for God! 💪🏼

Things we CAN use prayer for, if you want to know 🙏🏼:
1. I have been feeling exhaustion like I’ve never felt (I’m not new to crushing fatigue, but this is insane-other than 2 days where I was able to function for a part of them, I’ve basically been in bed). I have a lot of responsibilities on my plate with Ben’s business and my own, and maintaining a household (yep, even an RV takes a ton of work), so please pray for me to have energy, and Ben as he takes on even more than he already helps me with. 
2. Due to transferring insurance from Idaho to here, we hit a gap where we weren’t “allowed” to conceive yet lol, and so we will be facing 100% of the costs. We also would love recommendations for a local midwife, preferably birthing center, and bonus points if she’s a Christian and believes in miracles. 😉
3. Obviously a healthy baby! And for us to be able to figure out the whole living situation, since our trailer isn’t exactly designed with space for kids/another person lol!