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But why so many losses, God??

All things Jesus, Baby 2019, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

This morning, I woke up determined to get through my several outings, so I hit “shuffle” on my worship playlist, and got in the shower.

The first song came on, and although it’s a well-loved favorite of mine, the lyrics hit me so hard… I felt like I was flashing back over the last 5 years.

Hardship after hardship.

Loss after loss.

Pain after pain.

All the while, asking God why, but trying desperately to cling to his promises and love.

Failing.

Trying again.

Being crushed.

Given a glimpse of his goodness.

On and on.

And now… he’s given us all these “little” and “medium-big” miracles in the last year, preparing us to say “I’ve seen you move the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again! You made a way where there was no way! This is my confidence, you’ve never failed me yet!”

I lost it and cried through the entire song, and then… God spoke to me.

Back story: over the last 5 years of 12 losses, and 2 periods of a year each being unable to conceive at all, I have asked God several times what his purpose was in allowing me to conceive (even when trying to prevent while seeking medical answers) SO many times, only to lose them. Why not just prevent me from even conceiving at all? Even in times of great faith and trust, I was still insanely perplexed by this. It seemed cruel by anyone’s standards to give life repeatedly, only to allow it to be prematurely snuffed out.

I’ve never received a reply, so I assumed I would never know until heaven, and I’ve become okay with that. I mean, as much as a human can be ok with such a thing.

But today… I received the answer, out of nowhere, and with no asking. He told me the purpose behind so many losses and so much pain over so many years was to make SURE that this baby was unmistakably and undeniably a miracle.

You can explain away a lot of miraculous situations, if you try hard enough, even if you’re wrong.

But there is NO denying that after 12 losses, 5 years of testing and many treatment attempts… conceiving after a year full of an-ovulation and hormone problems, and then carrying to the furthest point in my history without ANY medical intervention… it’s a miracle. There is no other way to explain it, and I don’t even have to try and convince anyone of it. ❤️

This is God’s baby, and I’m so excited to see what God does with the future!

Do It Again-Elevation Worship

Walking around these walls

I thought by now they’d fall

But You have never failed me yet

Waiting for change to come

Knowing the battle’s won

For You have never failed me yet

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I’m still in Your hands

This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet

I know the night won’t last

Your Word will come to pass

My heart will sing Your praise again

Jesus, You’re still enough

Keep me within Your love

My heart will sing Your praise again

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I’m still in Your hands

This is my confidence, You never failed

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I’m still in Your hands

This is my confidence, You never failed me yet

I’ve seen You move, come move the mountains

And I believe, I’ll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I’ll see You do it again

If you’re in the midst of a long and seemingly hopeless wait, I hope you find some comfort. My wait and journey are longer and harder than some people’s, but only a fraction of the trials of others. We all have struggles and longings, but know that there is a reason, a light at the end of the tunnel, and a blessing to be had down the road.

Put this song on loud and just close your eyes and soak in it, let God come and reveal his goodness and love to you, even in the midst of chaos and pain.

❤️

admin

First Ultrasound!

Baby 2019, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

Last night, we anxiously entered the imaging place to go check on baby.

The ultrasound tech came in and introduced himself, and immediately my heart sank a bit that it would be a guy, as they’ve tended to be less sensitive in the past. He asked how many times I’ve been pregnant, and when I said 13, he stopped in his tracks and said “how many??”

I thought, here we go… I don’t feel like getting into this right now. ?

But he was actually super kind about it, and concerned and caring, so I know God put him on my case for a reason! He and the students were very sympathetic and kind.

So I laid down on the ultrasound table, and as it started to become real, and all the past ultrasounds I’ve had started flashing through my mind, I quickly had Ben come stand with me and I held onto his hand for dear life, praying for peace no matter what happened.

The ultrasound gel went on… the probe touched my belly. I closed my eyes and didn’t even try to look at the screen.

He said “oh look, there’s a heartbeat!” right away, and I lost it. ? Baby’s still alive, that’s good. My 4th baby had been alive with a heartbeat but was a week behind on growth and the heart rate was in the 60s, so I waited anxiously to hear more.

I dared to look at the screen, and I saw… a baby! Little limbs and everything! We’ve only ever been able to see a fetal pole… so I knew we were already ahead, but in the moment, all the “8 week ultrasound pictures” I had googled were failing me.

He said “oh yeah, your dates are right on (I had given my ovulation as later vs. last cycle start as calculation), you’re even measuring a couple days ahead.”

*massive sigh of relief*

Strong heartbeat of 166… thank you Jesus!

Ben was even able to see baby jump during the ultrasound! ?

The tech and students were so sweet, pointing out all of the things and parts, and we just sat there (me sobbing, and Ben choking back tears), as we watched our miracle baby on the screen. ?❤️

This is real. This baby is real. My miracle is real. God is actually doing this for us. ?

The tech had asked if we were on fertility treatments, and I was like nope, this was a surprise, and there have been absolutely zero interventions. This is a MIRACLE, y’all. I shouldn’t even be pregnant right now, much less at 8.5 weeks with no problems. ??

God is SO good.

The tech said with my history, he was going to skip the transvaginal part, for which I was grateful (personal reasons behind why I have a hard time with those ?), and I believe it was another God-thing.

As a funny side effect of that, however, I had a full bladder that didn’t get emptied for that second part of the US, so as I talked with my dear friend Erica on the way home (she stayed up til super late since she’s Eastern time, just to hear the news ❤️), she and her husband had me and Ben dying laughing… I swear I almost peed my pants. ??

We left with tears and pictures (I’m pretty sure the front desk girl thought I got bad news lol, I was still sobbing and wiping tears), which I’ll now flood you with. ❤️

Thank you all SO much for your prayers and support! We are so grateful! ❤️?❤️

admin

Pregnancy Journal: week 7

Baby 2019, Pregnancy

7/2/18 (7 weeks): Today was a rough day, but my sweet Aunt brought us dinner, and boy, let me tell you, it hit the spot!! We have been surviving on whatever crap we can prepare quickly, and whatever I can keep down or manage to even eat without puking, so it was such a wonderful change to have a real meal with real food! It tasted divine, and I kept it down, which was a great thing!

7/4/18 (7w2d): Today is a huge holiday for my family. I mean, we LOVE America, and we LOVE fireworks, so it doesn’t get much better lol. It might even be my favorite holiday after Christmas! We never do any massive BBQ with extravagant decor and super crazy food creations or anything, and we never get cutesy matching family pics, but boy…do we get together, eat, and blow stuff up!

Well, I was feeling horrific, spent all afternoon puking my guts out, and could barely stand, so we decided to stay home. It was so sad! Agh! I was on the phone with my dad, and had to hand the phone to Ben because I just kept puking out of nowhere lol. YAY.

Ben took me to get In N Out for dinner, and I barely ate a few bites, which is RARE lol! Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE In N Out!!

A friend of mine went live with her family’s fireworks, so I was able to enjoy that, at least. =D

I HAD to wear my cute shirt from Eek’s Attic, so we donned our 4th wear for our trip to In N Out lol!

7/7/18 (7w5d): Today was my grandma’s surprise 75th birthday party, that I was supposed to help with, but I was vomiting until we left to go over there. I so didn’t want to miss it, and it didn’t disappoint! I was so grateful for a small break in the crappiness to be able to spend some time with family and celebrate my sweet grandma. I started to feel the dizziness coming back, though, so I was also glad to get home and lie down lol.

(I didn’t even get to put on makeup, and I’m in my swimsuit & coverup, but oh well, right? ??‍♀️?)

7/8/18 (7w6d): Ugh. I paid for Saturday today. I was trying to get ready for church, and could NOT shake the dizziness and nausea, so we decided to stay home. It ended up being a good thing, because I promptly fell back asleep and was out cold for about 5 straight hours. I guess my body was needing the sleep lol.

This week was insanely difficult…emotionally and physically, it was the hardest yet. I’m so grateful for wonderful friends and family who listen to me cry and vent, and are always there to lift me up when I’m down. <3

admin

Pregnancy Journal: week 6

Baby 2019, Pregnancy

6/25/18 (6 weeks): Today, I barely even stirred when Ben got up and around for work, next thing I knew, he was kissing me goodbye! It’s been a long week, and I was utterly exhausted. I fell right back into a deep sleep, and didn’t even wake at all until 9:45! ?

I’ve lost about 5 pounds in the last week, just from lack of intake, something I’ve never had a problem with. ??

6/26/18 (6w1d): Today was such a hard day. This week, the enemy has been crushing me with attacks already.

I made it to our Life Group in the evening, and was so blessed and overwhelmed by the people who showered love on us, despite barely knowing us. These people have been through hell and back, sometimes many times, and yet they have so much faith. It was humbling and inspiring.

We got home and checked the mail, only to find this surprise gift of a CUSTOM ONESIE from my sweet friend Mandy, who runs this awesome Etsy shop:

I cried! ? How amazing is that?? The time, money, and resources it takes to design and print a custom onesie just for me… I’ve never had anyone invest that much into their support for our belief in a miracle baby! People pray and say nice things, but… it’s risky to act in faith. I’m so grateful for her standing with me in this way! ?❤️

Also, I have to plug her business, because she is SUCH an amazing person, and also, her designs are the best I’ve ever seen! I loooooove them, and own more than I care to admit. ??

You can follow her on Facebook HERE, and Instagram HERE.

7/1/18 (6w6d): yes, well… let me tell you about the heart attack I had.

I had some Walmart pregnancy tests left over from the giant masses I bought early on lol, so every few days, I take one, just to make sure my hcg isn’t like, massively dropping. The test line is so much darker than the control, it can’t get any darker, so I don’t know if the levels are rising ok.

So anyway, I took the test and the test line was noticeably lighter than the control. ?

Starting to panic, I took another test, hoping the first was a dud. No such luck.

I sat in the bathroom, crying and freaking out, and googling things like “can your hcg drop at 7 weeks and be ok?” Knowing full well the answer was no.

What I DID come across was something called “the Hook Effect” that I’ve NEVER, in all my 5 years of working on a family, 12 past pregnancies and losses, probably thousands of pregnancy tests, and countless research on all things pregnancy/fertility related have I EVER heard of… holy cow.

You can read more about this HERE, but basically, when your HCG reaches a certain level, it can freak the test out, and the way to find out if this is what’s going on is to dilute your urine and take the test again. Now, every bit of me was freaking out, because if something was wrong with the baby, diluting already-low hcg would make the test line even lighter. ?

I took a deep breath, begging God to help me, and diluted my lovely cup o’ pee and took my last test.

It was darker! ?

This is insane, guys:

So there you go, if you’ve never heard of the Hook Effect, now you know! ???‍♀️ And now I’ve officially reached the end of what pregnancy tests can do for putting my mind at ease. Lol

Despite everything, I was determined to make it to church, and I did! But it was a massive battle to fight the dizziness and urge to vomit. It was amazingly worth it, though, and even though we high-tailed it for the door after, we couldn’t even leave before 2 people stopped and prayed over us. I think that’s so amazing and a testament to how in tune with the Holy Spirit these people are. ❤️

One sweet lady gave me a wonderful word regarding the anxiety that comes with dates, especially as it relates to my previous pregnancies. I needed that so much. ❤️ #Heisstrongerthantheenemy

Weekly overview (because I was too sick to blog my thoughts as they happened each day lol):

Struggles: Constipation and bloating. UGH. Like how can it even be this bad?? It’s usually bad in my pregnancies, but this is insane. I’ve lost 5 pounds but my belly is huge from these issues. ??‍♀️?

Being awakened BY the drool dripping down your face, because it’s that bad. ?

Crying all the time, and realizing that you’re crying over literally nothing, but being unable to stop it. Like, PMS is Bruce, and this is the Hulk.

Aversions: EVERYTHING. But on different days and at different times, making meal planning almost impossible. Mealtime looks like “how much effort does it take to make, and does the thought of it make me puke?”

Blessings: This week, I shipped off my very first box of consignment to my favorite clothing shop, Eek’s Attic. My dear friend, Erica runs this amazing group of women, and she has created a culture of empowerment, support, and love, and I just adore being in there!

Even though her clothing (and even the Boutique) is budget-friendly, I recently told her I had to pause my bundle bag subscription and all purchases, because we just got hit with $1000 in lab work that we weren’t expecting, in addition to the other thousands in medical expenses for this baby (see previous posts about our insurance coverage snafu. Also, clarification: we are insured, and have always been insured, but when switching insurances, we happened to conceive this kid during a “30 day waiting period” that we knew nothing about. Not that it mattered, because we haven’t been able to get pregnant for a year, so we weren’t expecting to… expect. ? So… we have absolutely zero coverage on this baby. ? A blow when things are already tight.).

I was really bummed about this, even though it sounds shallow, because I don’t spend a lot of the money on myself that most women do, due to our tight finances, starting over after losing everything, and all of that. This was my one little “splurge,” and it wasn’t even a splurge, because it was ridiculously inexpensive clothing that I actually wear, and it made me feel great about myself!

Well, I was able to clear out my (already tiny ?) closet of some “goal clothes” that I won’t be fitting anytime soon, and got some credit to use on a bundle bag, with more to use in the shop! I’m so excited lol!

This week has been hard, I am in bed most of the time. It’s killing me. I’m well acquainted with crushing fatigue from Hashimoto’s and Narcolepsy, but this is even more debilitating, which is saying something. I hate being kept down! And especially because I can barely even sit up without being hit with dizziness and nausea, so I spend most of the time lying down. ??‍♀️

But I’m learning to appreciate the few little “sun breaks” (if you have ever lived in the PNW, you’ll know immediately what I mean) as they come, and I’m doing my best to adapt to the rest. ❤️

Week 6 (well, 7), you are over! On to the next… ??

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